This morning I was reminded by the twinge of pain in my back that for all of my composure this week, what I’m carrying is still heavy.
Grief, Sadness, Regret, Uncertainty, Existential angst, Responsibility, Creativity……Being present for my children, being present for my husband, forcing self care with some friends, being productive at work…It’s a lot.
With a big stretch and a sigh I exited my room and Love met me at the door. Not so little anymore arms wrapped around me, squeezing so tight and asked if we could play a game together after work. My heart swelled as I agreed to our date, and for the first time this week, I feel so excited.
Then along came Silliness, and it asked me to play. A little Hulk mask brought so much laughter.
And at lunch, even though the sky is grey and the wind is cold, I was afforded a half an hour of near silence in a beautiful garden setting right at the back of my office building, with a bonus of my hair not being a frizzy mess even though I had done nothing to attempt to tame it.
I’ve always hated the exhortation to “choose happiness.” It has always meant “ignore the heaviness” to me. But today, I feel like I’m welcoming happiness, inviting it into the same space as the sadness and grief and everything else, allowing myself to be composed instead of compartmentalized. Things don’t feel lighter, but I’m genuinely smiling, and full of gratitude. I hope you have the opportunity to welcome happiness today.
Edit: After welcoming happiness, I went on an errand out of the office and when I came back, saw a Client had sent these flowers to me, a gesture of comfort for my grief.
I’ve heard it said that Misery loves company. If that’s true, it makes sense that Hope also has companions. Today, in welcoming happiness into my sorrowful space, and thereby preserving the confident assertion that the Story of life is still a good one, I was also able to receive grace and mercy, and the comfort brought lightness to my soul.